Sleeping on the floor, night one.

I got rid of my bed this morning. It was an idea I’d had lingering around for a few weeks but I hadn’t gone through with it. 

I did the same thing when I was an undergrad -- maybe eight or nine years ago. I had been feeling depressed about not having a job that semester & not being able to afford college tuition, so I had a lot of free time and slowly, I started going on a downward spiral. I was staying up really late and waking up around noon or early afternoon. Obviously, I wasn’t happy with myself about that situation at all. I saw myself as lazy and unmotivated and I noticed the symptoms of depression, so one morning -- or maybe afternoon, let’s be real -- I woke up, threw the sheets off my bed, and took my bed apart. 

My roommates were all in class. I dragged my mattress from my bedroom all the way across the parking lot and to the trash bin, and then I did the same with the box spring. Once back in my bedroom, I cleaned the floor and set up a tendido, as we say in Mexico. Just a couple of thick blankets and pillows on the floor. 

Well, today I didn’t throw my bed at the dumpster, I gave it away. It was a queen-sized bed I had purchased at a mattress store not more than five years ago along with its metal frame. I had gotten a memory foam mattress at another store as a topper since the bed was too firm for my liking. Being a stomach sleeper, the memory foam made sleeping… delicious. 

I really loved that bed. When I became single about three years ago, I purchased two large body pillows to cuddle with and extra pillows for more comfort since I missed the feeling of sleeping next to someone and all those pillows helped my bed feel less empty. I bought large fuzzy blankets and nice bedding sets. I'd made my bed so comfortable that I didn't miss at all sharing it with someone as time passed. 

But lately, as I deal with a lot of mental stress from a lot of stuff I have going on in life, I’ve noticed that I’ve been oversleeping. In the mornings I have to set up several alarm clocks, fifteen or thirty minutes apart, and I keep snoozing them until the last one. Even then, I still won’t want to wake up, since more than likely, I've been up really, really late the night before out at work or studying for class. It just hasn’t made me feel good about myself again - the oversleeping - and I blame a lot of that alarm-snoozing on how comfortable my bed was with the thick blankets, pillows, and me sinking into the glorious memory foam. 

So I woke up today and the first thing I did was get rid of my bed, just like that. I kept only the three-inch memory foam, one fuzzy blanket, and my pillows. I cleaned the floor and set it up, and that’s what I’ll be sleeping on now. 

It may seem weird to sleep on the floor, but... our ancestors slept like that? It’s not that weird to me. Consumerism and capitalism in our Western culture has made it so that the Sleep Number, Tempurpedic, cooling technology style beds are what is healthy for you, but they're not. Clearly. Many people in Japan still sleep on the floor today and are perfectly healthy and agile well into their old age. 

In doing this, I’m mostly hoping that my bed isn’t too comfortable for me to oversleep. Also, I want the health benefits for my back alignment and to have more mobility/flexibility with all the extra movements that it will take me daily to get on the floor to sleep and get up off the ground when I wake up. 

I really wanna set better sleeping habits for myself. Go to bed early, wake up early. Move more. Actually make it to the gym that I started paying for in December and which I’ve only been to a handful of times. Sleeping so much is keeping me from enjoying more daylight and being more active, so yea. I kicked my bed to the curb today. Let’s see how it goes. 

Tonight will be night one. I’m anticipating that as I adjust, my back and hips are going to hurt for maybe a week or a couple of weeks, but I’m going to see it through for at least a month until I decide if I want to add in a second memory foam topper. But as for now, I am definitely not going back to a bed because I see traveling in my near future. Owning a bed doesn’t make sense to me if I want to pick up and go in a few months. 

I'll write next week about how Bedless Week One went. Goodnight. 😴

Second Writing Retreat at SPI.

 Second Writing Retreat at SPI. 

I’m on my second writing retreat at the island. I did some things differently this time, learning from last trip’s good & bad experiences. 

First trip lessons: First & foremost! I had originally booked my hotel for two nights & three days… the main reason was to not spend too much. Then I asked myself, whyyyyyy?? Might as well cut wasteful spending elsewhere and not on my writing retreat. 

I write. That’s pretty much my main priority right now & I’ve already made some investments on my writing this thesis semester. I bought myself a new laptop because my five year old chromebook wasn’t keeping up, and then a new laptop case & backpack. It made sense to invest into more days at the beach for my writing, too. 

I ended up making a separate reservation for the rest of the week and inevitably got charged the hotel taxes twice, since they couldn’t just add the days to my original booking. Lesson learned! (Not to mention, a small daily “resort fee” for the hotel’s private entrance to the beach when I got there.) (Also I’d like to quickly mention that I got bamboozled by Amazon Prime & Student Universe, who promised to save students 10% on hotels. Then after I’d booked, I checked what the price would’ve been if I had booked directly with the hotel, and it would’ve been a few dollars cheaper each night. Fml.)

Anyway, I’d booked that hotel as a king suite cause I wanted a big bed, and to my surprise, it had a nice lil jacuzzi and a proper writing desk so all that made for a comfy and cozy place to hole up & write. The location sucked though, as it was more isolated from the rest of the island strip’s restaurants and stores. 

I hadn’t packed any food with me because my duffel bag was already heavy enough to carry on the bus, so I constantly had to worry about my meals for the day. The hotel had a continental breakfast included, but I’m not a fan of cereal, muffins, and waffles for breakfast. I usually always have scrambled eggs and sausage for breakfast + iced coffee, but of course they didn’t have that. They had boiled eggs, ew. 

But yea, I lost writing time to traveling time by having to get on the bus to find restaurants at the island or at Port Isabel. 

With all the unnecessary expenses on hotel and restaurant meals and with what I know now, I could’ve easily stayed at the beach for two weeks instead of one. But at the end of the day I don’t regret it cause I learned some lessons + it was nice to enjoy the king suite and private entrance to the beach.

Hotel Two:

I got my second hotel dirt cheap. Hard to believe how cheap, but I scoured the internet for the lowest prices available on the most inexpensive hotels. The location is more central & way better for walking to stores or cafes. It’s also right next to a couple of bus stops too, in case I wanna get on to hang out at Port Isabel or check out nature trails here. 

This time around I packed lighter, only one very simple outfit per day. I also bought a cheap travel kit at the grocery store for toiletries. I filled the four small bottles with my favorite shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and cleanser-- just enough for the week. 

All this made my duffel bag extremely light, so I was able to pack snacks and foods for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I even packed my favorite peppermint mocha creamer + a bottle of Starbucks iced coffee. 

Also this time around, I deactivated both of my social media apps, so I’m going to be wasting even less time on my phone. 

Anyway. Here’s to having a very productive writing retreat.

Writing about writing.

  

I’m waiting for the bus inside the Brownsville central station. Since it’s gonna take half an hour to get here, I came in to charge my phone and type up this blog. I’m fresh off my solo writing retreat at the island so I wanted to process how my week went. 

The night before my trip, I was out with some friends & didn’t get home till past midnight. When I made it to my house, I turned on a show while I packed, then set up my cat with water and food for the next couple of days. Cleaned her litter box, etc. (My sister was gonna be checking in on her the rest of the week.) Then I was too excited to sleep so I stayed up till about 6 am. I decided to take the bus instead of my car to the beach because anytime that I can skip on driving, I’ll definitely take the opportunity. I checked the bus schedule & found a bus that left at 9:30 am, so it gave me about an hour and a half to sleep. 

As a university student, it was a full free ride from McAllen to South Padre. In fact, the SPI shuttle took me straight to my hotel lobby, so why not, right? I plugged in my headphones, listened to some soft music, and took a short nap on the bus ride there without having to worry about traffic or crazy drivers on the highway. 

*****

I took a literature class last semester on the author Jack Kerouac, whom I love because of how he lived to adventure and write about his adventures. As an undergrad, I’d taken a Beat Generation literature course & that’s where I learned about Jack Kerouac, so as soon as I saw the class listed last semester, I hauled ASS to sign up.

Kerouac is most known for his book On the Road. We read it and it was pretty good, but we also read about five or six more of his books and a bunch of extra reading material, so I really got a good understanding of the Beat era and Kerouac’s writing style. My favorite book of his was Big Sur. 

After the sudden fame from his wild adventures in On the Road, Kerouac found himself annoyed at being in the public eye and surrounded by the upcoming generation of hippies who wanted to wild out like the beatniks. 

A poet friend of his owned a cabin out by Big Sur in California and Kerouac borrowed it for a while to get away and write. He arrived passed out & drunk as fuck and then-- wait, go read the book.

Anyway, the idea of writing in isolation resonated deeply with me. I’ve done it before but only for short bits of time, not a whole retreat where your only obligation is writing in solitude by nature. Literally a dream. 🤤

*****

It’s a trip that I needed to make now during my first thesis course because it’s a semester of intensive writing and revising. I booked a king suite & when I arrived, the room had a jacuzzi. Definitely a nice little surprise. Later during the week, I made a trip on the shuttle to Port Isabel to write at their nice Starbucks and bought some bubble bath at a store next door. 

With taking the bus, I was exposed to situations that I wouldn’t have been if I’d gone in my own car. In a way, that was the only socializing I had during the trip. I’d told my friends and family that I was going to try to be on my phone as little as possible, so I’d text them when I got back. I felt aggressively protective of my solitude so if someone did text me, I just didn’t reply. 

I made a schedule of when I would write and when I would have free time to chill and get a mental break. In my free time, I listened to audiobooks, read, and watched documentaries, all related to what I was writing about. Just once to clear my mind, I rewatched an episode of the Squid Game while I soaked in a bubble bath in the jacuzzi, drinking a little cranberry vodka. 

There was a lot of time to think while riding the bus & random situations while waiting for it to arrive. 

One of my favorite things to see was an old couple. I was making a trip to the cafe probably, when they flagged the bus down and got on. It was an old lady and an old man, white, most likely in their eighties. Both were very tall and thin, almost skeletal. They sat behind me, and though I usually zone out when people are conversing around me, I did hear the last thing they said.

“So what are we going to do first?” the old man asked his wife. 

“I don’t care, what do you wanna do?”

“Well, are you hungry? Which restaurant should we go to?”

“How about that one right there?” she said and pointed to one outside the window. 

“Sure.” 

They tugged on the red handle over the window and we pulled over to the side to let them off. 

He walked out first and as soon as his feet touched the ground, he turned around and reached for her hand to help her step off the bus. The last thing I saw was how they held hands as they slowly walked into the restaurant. 

I thought to myself-- that’s what it means to grow old together. Neither of them 'attractive' or youthful anymore, yet both clearly still in love with each other. Still adventuring together. 

*****

Anyway, one week wasn’t enough. If I had it my way, I’d take an entire month off to go write & enjoy nature and solitude. 

I did get a lot of work done and the getaway helped me renew my focus on my writing project. There were a couple instances where I cried with a paragraph I wrote or with my research. Not all-out type of crying, but a moment where I pondered on deep shit and shed a few tears. 

But yea, I’m definitely going back next month. 

a little sunset walk

old man's beard wildflowers <3

       It had been a while. A couple of years ago, I had a routine of going out at sunset every day to either jog, walk, or cycle. Being outside during my favorite time of day &  getting fresh air in my lungs was something I looked forward to daily. Seeing the sky filled with oranges, pinks, and purples... like watercolors.

       That went out the window when I went through a hard breakup. It led to other changes too, like moving to a new place. My daily routine of low-carb cooking & exercise stopped taking the priority that it had in my life with every week & month that followed as I got used to a new reality & dealt with my heartbreak.

       Anyway, long story short... I find myself in a better place mentally now. Emotionally, not doing as great. Physically, def not great. I have a lot of things going on, and after two years of health taking a back burner, I have gained a lot of weight. I made a note a couple of days ago that I need to prioritize writing + reading for leisure, as well as get back to my sunset walks. I started today by going for a walk by my new house.

I regretted that I hadn't been on any walks there in the past 8 months since I'd moved. I was used to an actual exercise trail right behind my old apartment; people were out there at all times of day & night. Here I found a narrow trail around a canal that people in the area have carved out for walks & jogs.

        Apartments line one side of the trail, which means it's littered with old mattresses, broken tv's, sofas, old chairs, etc. The other parts where there aren't any houses, there are lemon groves, honey mesquite trees, open fields, wildflowers. Humans like to ruin everything.

       I really enjoyed my sunset walk today. It'll be great not only for my physical health, but also for my mental health, since now that we're in a pandemic, I've been glued to the computer for months with online classes, all-nighters to complete the final semester assignments, and writing for my university fellowship.

        I'm very aware that I need to be physically active & that I need to start eating healthier. I can't be devoting all my energy to school. I also need to focus on living my life, doing things I love, practicing self-care. I wanna be a happier, healthier human.

first blog as an mfa student

This past December, I had a spur of the moment yearning to be back at the university- the same one where I got my bachelor’s five years ago- so I applied to the MFA Creative Writing program. I worked really hard on my application for the next three weeks, creating four pieces of original work and endlessly revising it, plus gathering documents and letters of recommendation. When I got the notice of my admission, I was ecstatic!

The spring semester is about to end this week; all my work was due two days ago. I had become a caffeinated zombie for the past month, barely leaving my room as I read, researched, wrote, e-mailed, revised, etc. I seriously only left my room to go get food from the kitchen and to use the bathroom, and I came right back into my bedroom to continue working. I wanted to turn in work that I was very proud of, so the perfectionist in me came out and I completely isolated myself. (Not only cause of COVID-19--that’s for another blog.)

I’m happy. I took a workshop course in Non-Fiction, a Form & Theory Fiction class, and a class called Diversity Reading & Writing. We had so many books to read, and I kept being exposed to extra literature that I really wanted to get to once the semester was over, and that’s where I am now. I have checked out several books from the library and downloaded some to my Kindle app so that I can read for the next three weeks while I wait to start the summer semester.

I’m very happy & fulfilled that I get to live, breathe, eat, and sleep my passion, which is reading and writing. Since I was a kid, I have loved both. I have so much writing that I also want to do now that I have more free time. My writing here will just be about life. Not gonna be posting any school work because I’m going to save all that for my thesis. This, as always, will be a blog of random thoughts and things I don’t want to forget.

my writing desk on the last day of classes 🖤

it's officially fall & i'm falling apart.

I tidied up my living room today. I don't know how much longer I'm going to live here, but I will miss this living room.

When I moved in I painted three of the walls by myself, up to where I could reach. I had jumped up while I pressed the paint roller against the wall and it left the very tops unfinished. And still, I love these teal walls. I absolutely love the hardwoods. I love the two leather couches and the glass coffee table in between them where my betta swims in his round glass vase.

I love my furniture blending in with my professor's. I even love that the windows and door need to be kept open cause there's no air conditioning. Fresh air blows into the house all day and through the night.

Today I cleaned the hardwood floors and fed my three pets and myself. I turned on a lemongrass candle and it was the only light in the whole house besides the dim glow of the muted tv.

Right now my friend sleeps on my bed and I sleep on my sister's bed. Oliver is snoozing and I don't wanna wake him, but I wanna snuggle him.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. And I'm kinda tired of that.