when i had the flu from hell

I had severe flu for two weeks. Or whatever that thing was that overcame me and tied me to my bed for what felt eternal.

My brain felt heavy & the front of my head was in a dull, but excruciating pain. Everyone at my mom's lives like they're polar bears and it made me angry to be laying in such a cold room. Still, I woke up trembling and sweaty at night.

I decided I needed to make myself better so that I could return to my own apartment. I ate an orange for the vitamin c & then I kicked my legs around and fluttered my arms so that my blood could circulate through my body. Instead, vomit came up my throat and the orange landed like yellow gravy on my mom’s bedroom floor.

I was miserable and tired of not being able to just get up and feel fine. Envious as everyone else left the house for school and work and I was left with the stupid tv.

How dare my mom invite me to stay at her place while I was sick if she wasn't going to be with me? How irresponsible that she would leave and not check if I had anything to eat. But every time she offered me food, I was angry that my tastebuds were making everything taste extremely salty. Nothing at all, nothing but pink leche raspas seemed appetizing. She tried, my poor mom tried, but she eventually stopped asking. I would have done the same with me.

Like the day of the barbecue. Everyone was outside laughing and I laid inside hating them for being healthy.

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I'm in my room crying without knowing where it's coming from or how to stop.

I feel myself floating in space. My body is with the stars and planets. I am surrounded by BLACK.

I'm floating by myself and it's peaceful. Just floating. I don't even know where I'm heading. I seriously don't even know who I am.

I am scared now, feeling more terror than I've ever felt. I'm falling into a hole in space.
I am just falling into a deep black hole in space.
Did I just die?

The agonizing terror of that makes me jolt, and as my eyes focus, I realize I am in my bedroom, covered with several blankets.

I cry again.

I cry because I am figuring out some things about myself in this solitude.

I don't like who I am or what I am doing with my life. I fall asleep crying.

The next morning my mom invites me out for breakfast.

I know I won't eat, but I decide to go.