I have a panoramic view of the cerulean water, the grassy sand dunes, the surrounding hotel buildings, and the busy street where people are jogging, riding mopeds, and driving clanky cars.
It's around 4pm. Only one of my roommates is back from her lunch break. I found her sleeping when I got out of the shower so I tried to be very quiet as I opened the balcony door and dragged a chair out.
Now I'm sitting here breathing it all in, reminding myself that I won't have this view tomorrow when I get back home. The beach is amazing today but I kind of wish the sun was out.
I have been quite frustrated with myself today. We just arrived last night for a weekend-long women's retreat and already I've learned so many things about myself, good & bad.
Today I felt so lonely, even though I was surrounded by so many people.
Sometimes I'm too in my head. I tend to wanna figure things out on my own. Especially with strangers, like these women. I was having a bad day. An ugly day. And then something very cool happened when I ventured out on my own.
So this is the story.
This morning's talk was on Trust & Submission. It was fun, especially to do some trust fall & trust walk exercises with our groups. Afterward, we were dismissed for lunch and free time until dinner. My stomach had been unsettley since we'd had an early breakfast and to be honest, I didn't even have money to join them at their fancy restaurants, so I decided to skip on lunch. Also, I was feeling antisocial.
I walked outside the hotel to the hot tub area. I lay on the beach chair still wearing my jeans, trying to decide if I wanted to get in. I decided to do it now so that I could have enough time to walk by the shore, shower & get a nap in before dinner. I went for a change of clothes.
I swiped the card and the light turned green. This was gonna be a good day, even if I was spending my afternoon alone. I do quite enjoy my own company. I looked through my suitcase and picked an old shirt I'd brought to sleep in and some shorts. I took my clothes off and put on my shirt and that's when I realized that I had left the door open.
I ran to close it and I poked my head out the door to check if anyone had seen me while they walked by. I saw an old white man at the end of the hallway but decided he couldn't have run away that fast. I closed the door this time, changed, and grabbed a towel. On my way out the door, I passed a mirror and caught sight of my reflection. I stared intently and scrutinized every roll, dimple, discoloration, scars, spots I had missed when shaving, my need of a pedicure, my chubby face, my frizzy hair. I was quite unsightly.
I walked out the door anyway. I passed an old couple laying out on beach chairs reading books; that scene really warmed my heart. Cautiously, I immersed into the steaming water. My skin turned red. It was very nice in there for a good while. Then I got bored so I read the hotel signs of rules, hummed songs, talked to myself, floated. The vapor made my face sweat so I climbed out and wrapped myself in my towel before walking to the shore.
It was so cold and my wet clothes were sticking to me. I found a place of dry sand that was promising me warmth and I hollowed out a spot to sit in there. My legs crossed, towel draped over my shoulders in an attempt to shield the wind. I sat like that for a long time, watching the waves roll as I poured warm sand onto my feet. I cupped my hand and picked up a small heap of it, bringing it up close to my face. I started to notice all the colors. There were white grains, black, gray, caramel.
I watched the wind blow it away from my palms and noticed the way it created tiny black tornadoes where it fell in between my fingers. I dug into the sand quite deep, and at the bottom was more sand, and more, and then more. I wondered what was under all this sand, where did it end?
And I looked at the crashing waves and wondered how deep the ocean was. Where was the bottom and what kind of creatures were down there? The thought of the depth of the ocean made my whole body shudder, as did the cold wind.
I buried my lower half in the sand, rolled up my towel into a pillow and laid back. Hopefully I would dry off completely soon enough. I closed my eyes and tried to have a light snooze on the nearly empty beach. There was an occasional car that drove down the shore. Winter Texans or a police vehicle patrolling the beach. I had a gory thought about being run over if they didn't see me laying down on the sand, but mostly it was white couples walking their fancy dogs. As I kept trying to turn off my thoughts and snooze, my long damp hair kept whipping my face.
After a long while, maybe thirty minutes, I gave up attempting to nap and sat up. I noticed a white lady a few meters away from me, kneeling on the sand and digging into it. I noticed that some of the people walking along the shore walked over to her and pointed to the ground. I wanted to be nosy, too, but from where I was, I couldn't see what they were pointing to, so I laid back down.
Some lady walked over to me and smiled and asked, "You keeping warm there? That's a nice sand blanket." We laughed and talked briefly. I was quite snug in my sand hole, but I pictured the snuggly blankets and how nice a nap would be in my hotel bed. I'd been out here for probably an hour now, so I decided it was time to take a warm shower, too.
I wiggled my way out of the sand and dusted off my clothes, but I was feeling nosy and wondered if I should go check what that lady had found from her digging. I knew it was rude to just go spy on her, so I tried to think of some small talk to say to her. She looked friendly, but in case she wasn't, then I was gonna play it cool and pretend I was just walking by the shore.
When I reached her spot, I couldn't believe what I saw. She had carved large seashells into the sand. Four structures of different types of seashells, maybe two or three feet in diameter. They were flat on the ground, which is why I hadn't been able to see from my spot. They were raised about half a foot up and she had sculpted every ridge of the seashells in high detail. They looked so professional as if maybe she participated in competitions of this sort. "WOW," escaped my mouth, and aside from that, I was speechless. I walked from one seashell to another and all I could give to her for her work was sighs of wonder. She was quiet, but she was humbly smiling as she kept working. I asked her if she was an artist. "No, I just like to play around," she chuckled.
"What is this one?" I pointed to the first sculpture, the only one that wasn't a seashell.
"What do you think it is?"
"Umm, I think it's maybe...Jesus?"
It was about 5 feet long, it was wearing a robe, had an outstretched arm and hair flowing in waves.
"It's you. It's an angel," she said with warmth in her voice.
"What........?? Me??" I tapped my index finger on my chest incredulously.
"Yes, it's you."
"Me...? You're kidding, right?" My cheeks got hot.
"Yea. While you were lying down over there, your hair was blowing in the wind and you just looked so peaceful and beautiful. That's where I got my inspiration. You looked like an angel."
I awkwardly stood there not knowing what else to say. I thanked her and told her her work was amazing. She said her name was Joyce. She was staying in the hotel next to mine and she mentioned that the grand stairs of the hotel made her feel like she was in a castle.
She told me about her husband, who was fishing a few feet away from us, and how he would save up his vacation time so that they could spend a month at South Padre. Their little grandkids came to visit, too. She said she sewed drapery for a living and she also asked me about myself. We conversed like that for a bit and then I mentioned that I was cold, so I'd be heading back for a shower. I gave her a big smile and kept smiling as I walked through the dried grass dunes.
If I hadn't walked over to her, I would have spent the rest of my life without this memory. Joyce had no idea what kind of day I'd had, she was going about her day making art for herself.
For the rest of the day. I felt beautiful.
Regardless of my fat thighs.
